1.) What you do when your girlfriend is not at home.

2.) The reason why people buy playboys.

3.) The reason why old people are having more heart attacks.

4.) The reason why birth-rate decreased by 60% in the last 20 years.

5.) What 30% of the world population is doing now.
The old man had several heart attacks due to his recent masturbations. He had too much excitement
af Jake 22. april 2005
I once heard the late George Carlin at a live performance reel off hundreds of witty slang synonyms for masturbation, but his final entry, and the punchline for his entire performance, was,

"Crowning the King."

I thought it was the funniest.
Queen Elizabeth II: Prince Andrew! Prince Andrew! How much longer are you going to be in there?

Prince Andrew: Just a little while longer, Grand Mum.

Queen Elizabeth II: Prince Andrew! You are not endevouring to masturbate in there, are you?

Prince Andrew: Of course not, Grand Mum--I'm Crowning the King!
af Dr. Whosis 20. december 2009
What your 12 year old Son or Daughter starts doing once their showers go from 5 minutes to 45 minutes in length.
Don't be fooled by the 45 minutes of "washing my hair" make sure everyone in your household takes a poop before you masturbate
af itakelongshowers 5. maj 2010
A form of sexual pleasure that people perform when they can't get enough sex. Some people do it several times a day. Others do it weekly or maybe even monthly.
Man, I can't get enough sex, I think I'll go masturbate.
Dude, I'm bored, I'm gonna go masturbate.
af J_man 19. maj 2008
What to do whenever you aren't in school or at work. Actually, you can do it there too, but be subtle.

I masturbated while I wrote this definition for urban dictionary.
af IM JERKING OFF RITE NOW 4. april 2009
1. Masturbate for male: When a postpubecent male reveals his dick, it gets hard because he is horny and he starts to move his hand(s) up and down on it until he cums. Also know as jerking off or jacking off

2. Masturbate for female: When a woman puts her fingers or an object into her pussy and goes in and out until she has an orgasm. Also known as fingering

3. A way of sexually pleasuring oneself.
1. guy 1: I jacked off last night to your girlfriend's picture
guy 2: dude, thats sick

2. girl: I masturbated last night thinking about you.
guy: thats hot
af AndyMac754 27. oktober 2007
Something that Jesus watches you do. Especially when you are stuck in a porta-john and an angry tranny is banging on the door shouting "GO FASTER!"
As Bob stared at the midgets having sex on his computer monitor, he pulled out his pecker and masturbated. As he was in the middle of wankin' one out, he noticed it was dark outside and noticed a bluish light flash outside his window and heard a huge thunder. Suddenly, LIGHTNING STRUCK HIS HOUSE AND EVERYONE DIED!

And on that fine day, Jesus said the two words in a booming voice that humanity will forever cherish, "Don't masturbate."
af MrCat 24. januar 2015
What you do while lying in bed.
While listening to the radio, a song gave me a boner, so I began to masturbate.
af Cum grenade 18. august 2010

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